“Be still and know that I am God.” ~Psalm 46:10
If there is one verse that describes my life, it is this one– not because I actually do this like I should, but because it is a reoccurring reminder from the Lord to stop trying to fix everything, be everything, please everyone. Just be still, a concept I struggle with, even after a year of practicing mindfulness.
I was married in the Episcopal church to appease my fiancée’s Catholic family, but we began attending a stunning pioneer Baptist church out in the country soon after we both graduated from law school. Our children were dedicated in that lovely, scared place, and it was so good to get back to my roots.
I feel the Holy Spirit strongly and always have, Praise Jesus. He also speaks to me through other people.
About six years ago, I began to really dig into scripture and study the Bible more deeply than I had in years. My nephew David, who was graduating from seminary, reached out to me to offer support, because he sensed something was happening in my life.
The week after Christmas that year, and a week before my son’s 4th birthday, my mom was killed in a single car accident heading to visit family for the remaining holiday break. One of my favorite books and movies is About a Boy. It was on that day and at the scene where the main character, a little boy with a mentally ill mother– a character I can so closely relate to– throws bread in a pond and accidentally kills a duck. It’s the “dead duck” scene. I was watching it as the kids napped, when two state troopers knocked on my door.
I had sensed my mom’s passing all day. My former husband and I had fought that morning and he had left. I suffered a debilitating anxiety attack and called my friend K on the phone. While texting her afterwards, I even wrote, “I think I am going to take a break from Mom for a while. I just think we need to have some space.” K urged me to take a hot bubble bath to calm down and, while in the tub, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and reassured me that I was not going to see my Mom for a while but that I was going to be okay, that I would be on my own, and that I would be able to raise the kids without her help, because He is with me. His voice was so clear and strong, but steady and tranquil. My entire mind was eased.
My mom and both of her parents died traumatically at Christmas. My dad’s father had also died at Christmas of cancer when I was five. The holidays are not fun for me.
In the months after my Mom’s death, my already troubled marriage fell apart in the most horrific of ways. Traumatized, I lost my memory. As hard as it was to get up every day and function, I think that facing my then students was the life-line I needed to stay above water, so that I could come home and be a Mommy to my own kids.
God never left us. During that time, a stranger bought our Christmas presents when I did not know how I was going to do it; my family rallied behind me for support; my friends were incredible; I had a God-fearing attorney; and checks would appear in my mailbox out of nowhere. On one day, when I literally had no idea how I was going to financially survive, my boss called me in and gave me a huge bonus. The timing was perfect! When our marital home would not sell, I laid it on the alter, and we had an offer that week, just as a church friend directed me to our current rental. I call our now home Grace Land.
The past five years have been hell at times. I have struggled, I took a huge leap of faith changing careers, and I lost two of my beloved pets. I also got engaged and broke it off soon afterwards.
However, my steps have been ordered by Jesus, and I have tried my best to follow.
I do not have an earthly father to set an example for me of how my relationship with God is supposed to work. I project a lot onto my Heavenly Father that I should not, because I have been wounded from birth. I am a work in progress.
I can look back now and realize that my Daddy issues have caused me to be promiscuous and have led to abusive, harmful, hurtful relationships that could have been avoided had I waited on Him. Had I just been still.
I am so much more at peace now than I have ever been, but I am by no means perfect. My life is incredibly messy. I like to drink wine and beer occasionally, I like to curse, I have a temper, and I can say terribly hurtful things. I do not pray nearly as much as I should.
However, I love Jesus, my kids know and love Him, and, together, we have chosen Psalm 91 as our family’s Biblical foundation. When things are tough, we get out God’s Holy Word and are reassured that He is forever watching over us, will fight for us, and will provide for our every need.
Tammy Rabon Photography
Don't Call Me Sugar! 